RANDOM THOUGHTS

First of all, I'm sorry that I've not been writing. I've been having a rather difficult time and I felt didn’t want to share it, because I thought maybe I make it sound a lot worse than it is. But I guess it is part of this experience as well. So here are some edited random writings from the past month. This is simply about my feelings and thoughts, so Don’t be offended!

FRUSTRATION

You know the feeling when something makes you feel so ANGRY that you just feel like screaming. It happened to me at the Gym (yes, I have joined the club here in order to be fit so that I can start surfing when summer arrives in here and replace the fat in my body with muscles). The teacher at the baile basico class was so bad that I had to walk out of the class and I wanted to complain but in this country you’re not supposed to say negative things, even more not the way I say it; means what I feel and think (this is shit, he can dance but not teach).

A part of living in a foreign country is the fact that life is different than in your home country and sometimes you get so annoyed about little things and you simply cannot explain why they make you so angry or frustrated. Lack of common sense makes me angry sometimes; simple things can be made so difficult because they just are not able to use common sense. I’ve lived and travelled in several countries and I’ve had my BAD moments in many places. However, the more you travel the more tolerant and patient you become. Going to a shop to buy just a piece of bread might take you more than half an hour even if it’s not a peak hour but you just queue, listen your music and chill out (well sometimes you just give up, forget the shopping and walk out if you’re in a hurry). You are aware that you simply cannot count on anything being on time, busses, meetings and life in general, because plans change all the time, which is why I like it here, mañana, mañana, but sometimes it makes me mad too, especially when I’m hungry or tired!

By so far I’ve been able to handle everything pretty well in here, I feel life is normal in here, like in any city; traffic is terrible, but not as bad as in Cairo or in India, Peruvians are more on time than people in many other countries, its cold inside the house, but it was cold inside the house in Australia too, men harass me less in here than many other places (It’s so cool to be tall and not to understand what they say :D) and it’s actually nice that most often cars will stop when I’m waiting to cross the street, however I feel the women want to run over me. Well, at least there are some nice advantages too being blond and if the complements are nice why not to enjoy it and take it with a humor especially after the living in Finland where you hardly ever get any complements from men. 

STANDARDS

We all have expectations about certain standards based on our previous experiences. Sometimes things are not what we had expected and we get disappointed. This happens every where not just when you’re abroad. For me one of the worst experience was BALLET! No, I’ve not started to dance ballet in here (the ones who don’t know, but when I was young I danced ballet eleven years), so I went to see the performance of Peru’s national ballet for my birthday. Last time I saw one must have been more than 15 years ago and it was Swan Lake too, now a modern version of it. I was so excited and told my friend not to wonder if I start crying because I might get emotional. Theatre was new and looked pretty amazing (for Peruvian standards) so my expectations were high. However, after the first fifteen minutes when the show started I couldn’t believe my eyes and I was frustrated, they were not on time, some of them were good, others were not, in the end the whole time I was just concentrated on the mistakes they were making and I couldn’t enjoy the show. Luckily, my friend felt the same, so I didn’t need to feel a freak being so annoyed and she has not even danced ballet! STANDARD…it does not exist when it comes to the Ballet in Peru.

 

SPANISH

I continued studying Spanish in here and I thought it’s good to repeat some of the basic things too, because my grammar sucks. My Spanish 3 class was good, we had fun, we became friends with my classmates and in the end of the course we went to have a dinner and invited our teacher too.  My Spanish 4 class (started this week) and the teacher was terrible. She was talking to us like we were little children. And we had to repeat the words ten times and jump around the class and she was using such an old fashion ways of teaching (to me), mainly book apart from jumping around. After having a really good (young and hansom too ;) teacher in Spanish 3 I was so disappointed because the standard had gone down (for me). The teacher, could of course see it from my face that I hated it (because I was there like WTF) and also I questioned some the homework she gave to us, which were stupid (I must have been her nightmare). As I am a teacher myself and I have been teaching languages too, I know that you teach adults differently than children. Next day I entered the class half hour late (she had told us to be on time) I know I’m terrible, but simply couldn’t help myself. In the middle of the lesson she asked to speak with me and told me that she thinks this class is too easy for me and maybe I should take an exam and go to a next level. Of course the reason was that she didn’t want me in her class either. 

But my good friends from the previous course were there and I was not sure what I wanted to do. 3^rd day I entered the class late again (not on purpose this time) and she told me to go and speak with the director not because I was late, but because she thought I should take the exam NOW. So I went to see the director (who was already expecting me). She looked at my previous test and I was speaking with her in Spanis, so she took me to the class 5 and told the teacher to see how it goes with me. I of course understood everything, joined the conversation and I was relieved because the teacher was so much better and we were talking so much more and not just repeating CORRER, CORRER, CORRER, CORRER. So now I’m taking the Basico 5 and having what I expected.

DISAPPOINTMENTS

I had high expectations about my house before coming to Peru, come on I was having my own bathroom and jacuzzi. My housemate sounded like a very nice person. Fairly soon reality turn out to be very different and having a jacuzzi became the least important thing. Living in a place where I feel good is important to me. If I don't feel good in place where I live, I don't function very well. In the end I was being crumby a lot, because I felt so bad. I notice a huge difference when I was away for few days and now that I live in a new place (despite of the camera being stolen) I feel peace now.

In my previous house I lived for two months. First 1, 5 weeks was pretty ok. House was fairly clean, not cozy, but livable; I paid my rent what I had agreed on beforehand. My housemates and I shared few meals together, they helped me out with things and I felt welcome. Yet, fairly soon dishes were dirty all the time, so was kitchen and I had to clean everything if I wanted to cook something, food I had bought got eaten and when I got home, being hungry and planned to make food out of what I’d bought earlier it was not there anymore. First two times, I kind of thought ok, whatever but when it happened regularly, I started to be pissed off and felt like I was living with little children. They smoked inside and I could smell it already before entering the house. Pretty much every day they were intoxicated, sometimes the whole day and I felt they are not anymore the people I met at the beginning. Most of my time at home I spend in my room, didn’t cook much anymore, bought my own stuff for cooking, because pans were so bad and I needed to clean all before I started cooking. Rent was supposed to include everything but bit by bit more things came top of the rent and soon, I realized this was way too much that I could afford to pay and what I had agreed on. They are nice people, but I simply cannot live with them. Our life styles are too different. Hope they find someone there, who feels better than I did.

After three weeks living in that house I was sure I didn’t want to live in a place where I don’t feel comfortable. I appreciate either sharing my life with people or then having a place, where I feel peace being on my own with calm people.  At the age of 34 it’s kind of tricky to go and live with people who are in their early twenties, no offence, I was young once, but I simply don’t want that kind of life anymore. I like going out for sure, but not the way they do. First time I went out here with my previous housemate Mel, I almost “died” the next day, because I cannot handle the local alcohol. Thanks to Adele, I found my new house. 

It’s difficult to know when you’re able to trust on people. I’ve had several occasions here, with Peruvian people who have promised something and in the end they don’t simply keep their promise, because it doesn’t matter to them, as long as they get what they want, fuck the rest. Luckily most of Peruvians are not like that, they are very friendly and helpful.

PISSED OFF

Because I’m different I’m supposed to pay more. Because I’m different you can treat me the way you want to and you expect me to take it. Sorry I don’t accept it. For example I hate when they ask me more money in the bus. Last week I was in the bus and I said you’re asking too much and this is not the right price. I was speaking nicely. When the bus stopped he throws me out even if I had the amount he was asking. Well, you can just imagine how angry I got when he told me to get off the bus. I didn’t save my words and I was swearing like in hell, people were of course staring at me because here they don’t usually say anything in here and they don’t even get angry. But I DO!!!What more, they don’t swear in here almost at all, they say Miercoles, that means Wednesday. I feel they are pretty conservative in here. 

After having Javi as my first experience with the Spanish language by living with him in Australia, I simply thought swearing was very important part of the Spanish language.  Funnily, from the first day I was here surrounded by Spanish language, I immediately started to swear in Spanish (how bad is that) I couldn’t speak that much, but for sure I was able to swear and those words just came out of my mouth without thinking, like Joder (Fuck) and few more, I don’t want to repeat in here. I’m sure it is thanks to Javi. So Javi if you happen to read this you can be proud of yourself, I learned all the important Spanish words from you ;)

WORK

My work place is good. It started to feel like a family very soon. I like working in the schools and when I have something to do where I finally feel I’m useful. I feel same with the biblioteca as well, but I feel more home in a school environment when I can do at least a little bit of teaching even if the kids are not the most easiest behaved, but well I have plenty of experience about that, challenges are there to be overcome, right!? I love our Sundays and at La casa de Panchita, working with the Art group and children, teaching English and talking with the women when I have time. It’s always very hectic, but a very good day!

I’m a teacher

I am a teacher, I have realized that. I miss teaching. A big lump in throat while reading the updates from my colleagues starting their year in Finland. Well, after this experience, I’ll be even better teacher, because I have more to share, all the things I have learned in here. I love teaching, seeing children learning and getting excited about something. So we’ll see for how long I’m able to handle not working as a teacher. At least now I can teach a little bit. The first Sunday when I was teaching English at the La Casa de Panchita I was so happy! I enjoy planning the lessons!

WORLD IS AGAINST ME

There are days when you simply think if the whole world is against you, nothing seems to work and you feel so alone, because no one really knows you. I’ve had few days like that. Especially when it happens at “the time of the month” everything seems even worse. Like this week. Adele leaving, my camera stolen and I felt that the whole world is falling apart.  Simply felt like crying and I did. Luckily, it didn’t last for very long and I came back alive and started smiling again, just because I felt happy. Friends and people around me helped me to feel happy again.

FRIENDS

When I got my camera stolen and I was like a one big mess not sure if I was feeling safe in the house or not, everyone was being really friendly and offering their help for me. My work mates offering me place to stay if I wanted to leave, my friends boyfriend came to the police station with me, Brendan who had to listen to my cries. It was good to realize how many wonderful people I have around me, even if one really good one was not here anymore, I miss you Adele.

I love the people I’ve got to know in my last Spanish class. At the end of the course we had a dinner together with my classmates at Chifa (local Chinese) restaurant and with our teacher (the hansom one) and another young nice teacher that many of my classmates knew from previous course. I enjoyed it very much! We often have coffee after the class when we have time and its important part of my day and good Spanish practice too, because we are from different places and since Spanish is a common for all of us we try to speak it as much as possible, throwing in some English words here and there. Now that I’m in a different course we have to start seeing more outside the class.

As I’ve been a mess this week and yesterday I went to wash my laundry in my usual place and forgot my dress there. Only after it was closed I remember it. So I went there this morning to pick it up and they were laughing when they saw me and handed my dress to me. I felt so good, yes there many honest people who are really friendly with you.

Today my yoga teacher asked me where I have been for the last two Thursdays (apparently he missed me) and he was giving me a hard time in the class, but looking after me as always and when I was leaving he gave me a kiss on a cheek (it’s a habit in here) but this was the first time, for me it means we know each other’s well enough to do so. Could you imagine something like that happening in Finland, NO!!! I’m so use to it again, kissing, I mean, when you meet someone and when you leave you give a one kiss on a cheek, so watch out Finns, I might kiss you when I see you. 

But, I miss HUGGING!!! I don’t have many friends here who I can hug with!

REALITY

After all these events when I enter the schools at the “slums” I think about my silliness and the anger that I sometimes feel, but I think it’s also about what I experience here every day. I cry about my camera, my friend leaving, but I still have all my basic needs; food, water, warm water, a right to study, money to do things what I want to do, but still I have a right to feel angry, sad, frustrated, because it’s my life and my feelings. As long as I don’t get stuck with these negative feelings it’s ok. In the end we are able to choose how we feel, if we want to get stuck with the negative things or do we put the positive ones on the top. Sometimes you have shit weeks; a good friend leaves, camera gets stolen, a bad teacher and top of that I have my period, so no wonder I’m over emotional. In the end everything turned out pretty good. I have a new place to stay, a nice roommate and friends around me and others in the other side of the world who care and love me and who I love so much. The change to make a difference is in me, you and in all of us.

I want to send you all hugs, kisses and love from all my heart. You matter to me!
 

LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED!